adam & eve

what is it that makes us who we are
what distinguishes us from others

how we respond, no?

then also how each thing we take into our perception differs than others

each of us could look at the same picture and be drawn to, be repulsed by, be alerted by something different


so then it is part of who we are, that which we are drawn to

why is this one so hard or so different?


if in truth we all have the same desires, same emptiness, same make, and each takes on a different face

i guess this is what is called humannness


how we respond
to fact
to the truth
to our desires
to what is real

sometimes we have no choice in how to respond... there are very specific and limited options

yet we are given a choice in our perspective, or .... posture rather?

what a great thing he afforded them in the garden, this choice!



can we choose what we love
can we choose the pool which our affections stream to

can eve change her fascination with the fruit

how long had she walked with God beforehand? and what of him did she know?


you know how interesting the consequence of pain was...
this indicator of danger
a gift in a sense?
what if we were not to experience this? what would tell us of our need


she had to have known while she took it, that it wouldn't separate them forever, that he was too big to allow her to be cut off, the knowledge she wouldn't be able to do something about it

was he watching the whole time? like a movie? i mean he knew

what possibly could he have been feeling


i love the simple words
where are you?
it implies they hadn't been together

i wonder the depth of the loss she experienced
could she ever forget the life-altering event

what different knowledge she must have had
before any of the chaos which has since erupted


so this is what bonds us, that we are not different, we all take the fruit
each of us chooses a different one on the same tree

one looks more disgusting
one looks softer
each has its own shine

his heart must have been broken to see it

what do you do as a parent?
do you give your child what he craves so badly?
do you withhold it knowing he wont change his mind

and what if he does change his mind
but he cannot change his heart


i wonder how much she hated that tree
i wonder what kind of person she was
how she responded

if she cried with adam afterwards
if she was silent for years
if she became a distant mother
how things changed between her and God

it's not like she woke up and decided to read her bible the next morning

imagine being the first person to experience pain
what a terrible reminder


and its not like she had options for another man if things weren't working out


i think this is where aching was born

when he breathed into their nostrils the breath of life it was good
was it part of their make up to begin with?

pain, the indicator of something gone wrong


had she ever seen something die before?
did she see the dead animals?
can you imagine nothing ever dying and suddenly witnessing death?
what a colossal thing they experienced!

had they ever been afraid before
now with death


i wonder if when she saw her children for the first time
if she wondered the pain they would experience
and if she blamed herself

did you find out how to walk with Him again?


did you talk after it happened
what did you talk about?
...how did that go over

what was in his face
which emotion took precedence

he obviously still cared
because he provided them with a covering
it cost the rest of creation, but he was willing to sacrifice this

i guess if he hadn't cared he wouldn't have even asked



no he was not silent

he did ask

he was the one who sought them out again
while they were hiding from him

imagine that, hiding from the one who could do anything about the situation
what is it about sin that causes us to do this


he just asks what happened

the curses
maybe this is the fury, anger, wrath
but then its not really that
its just the consequence of what was stipulated before

well the next scene they are adam+eve and child bearing 'with the help of the Lord'


i bet she replayed this day one million times
because you can't go back
you can't just change what happened

you can't go back

i wonder if she could what she would have done?
would she have put up a barbed wire fence around it?

why is this tree with forbidden fruit like the rumor weed, infesting everything

and why?
was it to see what her affections were
or what her trust was?

could she have chosen to trust him though she may not have desired to
it seems he would have been much happier with her had she have desired him

no his happiness with her was never conditioned on her actions
they would have been able to enjoy a much fuller relationship though had she obeyed

i wonder if he walked among them again
that presence


i bet they missed it
deeply

missing a presence



maybe she had sang with him before
i mean a communion... the three of them... maybe the two of them...
what did they discuss 
what things did he tell them
and how did this change
i hate break ups!!

i wonder why God chose this to be the choice on which the state of mankind would fall

it wasn't sexual sin
it didn't actually involve another person
it was just the command from God, the item, and its significance...

she didn't decide to smack talk adam one day


she really didn't have anyone else to rely on
it had to be God
i mean, its not like she had a girlfriend she could call up and pour out her laments to

this means it is not what she needed

God always provides needs doesn't he

the whole of creation was about how each created thing fit perfectly into a design deemed "good"


i always imagine meeting them in heaven like they are on these thrones and famous pop stars that people are dying to meet

but i bet they are a humble, small two people

he didn't end it for them on the spot
the consequence was pain
he didn't want them to have to pay for their sin
he had his son do it

i think he loved them deeply
i think what was more disappointing then being doubted and not trusting him
was the rift it made in their relationship
and how it separated them

isn't it all those things i want with her
but meant to be fulfilled in this vague 'presence' 

wanting to be wanted
it must come from him
isn't he the author of this
is his chief desire for us to desire Him

because if we desire him...
obedience is inevitable
walking with him
all those things
begin with wanting him

this verse if you seek me you will find me when you search for me with all your heart

it makes me think of that movie where the kid gets lost in china and is looking for the panda
its so big (green, and lovely)
and where are you?

thats what he asked them

the airport

There is something about airports that inspire me to write. Something about the whole experience that invigorates and enlightens me.

You come to a mall of sorts, and catch people in unique and forward stepping time. Some are rushing. Some are waiting. Filling their time with something. A transitory time, going from somewhere, to somewhere different. It started with an idea, and now it is being walked out. It’s here. Who is being left behind? Who is each about to encounter. Whoever and whatever the case, the transition is being filled in this interesting time and space: the airport.

Within these two categories - the rushing and the waiting, there are also the working. The waiting are on their phones. Lounging in bars. Reminiscing those last weeks or the previous journey. Katy Perry comes on to console with ‘Firework’… you look longingly at your phone at the friend who has texted you. There is a unique attachment now to your phone, because, no one signs up to visit or spend time with someone at the airport. Unless you are Tom Hanks, you never considered buying real estate in B34.

It’s also great to people watch. How many connections are made at this single point on the globe… thousands? Hundreds of thousands? How many families are represented, people groups, faiths, businesses… How many kinds of heartache are brought here. How many scurrying children ready to take on the world. How many styles of shoes. How much debt. How much teenage angst. How many coffee cups end up in those trash cans? How much money is Starbucks making here? A lot is my guess.

I find the structure grandiose. The large windows – this is my favorite.

Are you one of those that waits until the last minute to get in line? I am. I like to people watch. And avoid standing around. How about those airports with the live music. What a great stranger place. Time to save my battery. 

irony

isn't it funny sometimes, you think your life should be a movie. i know im not the only one who thinks this.

so i was drinking too much the other night and i sent some random texts to my roommates fiancé about the girl ive been emotionally dependent on, how i would do anything for her etc.

except i love how she is actually probably closer to my roommate than me? and she's all talking to the fiance on the phone, the fiance who had encouraged me to express my feelings to her etc etc etc


i just think for a minute........... are these really my friends? bc no they don't support me in my beliefs...


"the standard you walk by is the standard you accept"

how am i supposed to walk by...
what does this mean about my friendships...

im not doing anything w this girl, and im working on getting healthy with her. im disappointed the way things have turned out, im sad to be leaving, and I'm tired of thinking of her constantly and missing her. im laughing at her being in my room right now and chillin with my roommate and just upset. i guess id be more upset her being gone. idk but i know this is dependency, and im getting out of it.

im reading joy millers "addictive relationships" and it is good. going to read some more soon.

the forum group hates me i think.

theres always new things around the corner.

i don't ever want to feel these feelings for a girl again. i hate it so much. i hate the neediness of it. i hate the constant not being sure things in the friendship are ok. i hate the missing. i hate thinking overly positive thoughts about her, lower and lower thoughts about myself, losing where i am with God, etc.

im getting back on track God. im going to find you.

to the people of anchorage

so i leave for virginia very soon...


and i have just been reflective on the last months
im so very thankful for the people i've been able to meet and connect with

the gas station people
kelsey
sam
kathy
mohammed
brandon
austin
sable
cher
jessica
the other jessica
chante
stewart
laurie
suzanne
michael
sveta

the audit people
lacy
cheryl
autumn
jillian

the vendors
odell
marquis, the window cleaner
mark
amanda
byron
black dynamite, sean
liquor josh
red bull josh
matt, amandas boss
chris with the bud

the customers
tommy
ryan
the one that looks like gandolf
ricky, "knock knock"
the maintenance guy at the mall
christian
josh and his raspberry tea
kyle, his 2 purple amps and egg rolls
guy i saw at the post office today
woman in the purple hat
rockstar punch bug money order lady
michelle rockstar haha
woman with the leggings store
thomas and his coffees
bubba who had a dream about me
bryan and breakfast club...
david
angel dwaine
99cent man
shaq moses and treal
shane
chris "beer30?!"
zach, sables bf
chris and his fro
64ounce refill lady
her son
h2oasis boy
guy with the orange mohawk
kheoun
filipino christian
jamie plaid shirt
peppermint schnopps man
wayne and his wife
reuben and his propane crew
white haired lady with the kool kings
all the kool kings
derrick and his peanuts
man who smelled like grapes
refill man
warehouse sean
girl with the red jacket
blk cherry girl
marissa who gave me her number
bears tooth blonde
bobby with the ponytail
steve and his fosters
the best buy geek squad
guy from haifa
arab friend
josh from ak towing


the bible study girls
rachel
kelly
deanna, maam
kristie, cool times
jenn, patrol girl
emily and the fights
emily redhead
rebekah
katie
tracy and the tabernacle
lana
ayla

steve

the random people
juliet
jareth and dane
shelby and lexy
tammi
matt
kristie

the marines
sgt harriman
sgt milazzo
the poolees
kerry
kerrys parents
gy shelton

neighbors
pakistanis
sams friends
orrs
koreans

the mormons
crystal
annie
guy....
elder patrias from vegas
elder palmer the older one with the donut haha
elder fischer
elder greer
becca
katie
ashley
penny
asena
trenton!

the sunday morning study
lana
lori
joannie
tara
jennifer
bonnie
sometimes my mom
mrs weber

college group
quinton
anna
sarah skiier
nicole
grant
randy.
russ

kerrys church
kristina
preacher
shae
karen
crystal
brother cheng
brother josh
robert
felicia
lahilda

asian church
adrian
byron
my parents
luisa

havyn
naomi
sarah
joel
tom
vicki