forbidden fruit

well among confessions, I'd like to share something God's teaching me.


i've had kind of a sinful month. i kind of came to the end of it when i saw some porn clips in some dishonorable movies i was watching... i've never watched porn before... and im guessing since they were lez movies it counts so that was pretty low. it was the next day when i was bored flipping through, and watched a few minutes of something terrible that i decided, i never want to see this again.

after going to my friend's wedding recently, it struck me how much they put into the vows, how serious it was, this covenant in marriage, and i got this idea i would get a ring for God. i still don't know if i will use the word vow... because i know i'm sinful and it's likely i will fall again... but if i claim to be His already, then i've kind of already made those promises to Him right?? i mean like... doesn't it say that in the bible somewhere? that it's a kind of spiritual adultery against Christ? but a lot of the time i act like there's still room for what is outside the bounds of what He's allowed for.

mostly i have been pushing the line with this girl at work, Kelsey. and i knew it the day she came like a month ago, because she is the new manager. and guess what, i have authority issues, so it was like inborn in me to want to friend her. this whole month i've just been confused about it... trying to figure it out... trying to identify why i'm feeling what i'm feeling... it's hard too, because she is one person at work, and completely different outside of it. one minute she is the charming, young boss who knows what's up... and the next she is the road raging, F-bombing, jager shooter. you would never know. it's kind of a trip.

i said in an earlier post i've never wanted to act out this bad in my life. and it's a true statement... which i haven't been helping, since i've been feeding so much of the other side. all the times i have been to her house, have been like "fails." the first night, i just wanted to stay out late, and ignoring my parents calls, came home to some pissed off parents who almost had me move out that night. that was the end of my car privileges. the second night, i bought this huge bottle of hypnotic over... because i wanted to impress her. this past weekend... i had my first hangover because i was shooting jag with her til 4am, when i was dead tired. and i hate jag. my throat is still recovering, because i got so sick. i've felt like there's a balloon in my head and haven't been hungry for like 2 days. its funny i never think of the consequences of sin?


as if this weren't enough to steer me away... and the fact that she has a boyfriend - i mean, fiance - and all she talks about is him - and that he is a nice guy and i would never want to upset what they have going there --- as if this wasn't enough, there is just something captivating about her to me. i wonder though, if it is only because of the position she is in... if she had been an employee on an equal level with me, if i would have ever seen her in the special way i see her now. i want to know what is it about the authorities in my life, that have this power over me. i hear that any power someone has over us, is power that we have granted to them. of course, this would not be true for God, because whether or not i  give it to Him... to Him belongs all power and authority. there's a thought.


so while i'm sucking on my ricola, feeling stupid about my first, and i hope to God last hangover... reflecting on the past weeks... several good parts, and many low parts... im thinking about this ring i ordered, because i do want to make some promises to God. like i said, i'm afraid to use this word "vow" because of what comes with it... i don't want to leave room to fall... but i don't want to set the bar too high, because i know i'm human and that i do or will fall??? i don't know if this completes my promises... but these are some i do want to make to God... that i do want to keep, though i am human... ones that i can put myself in the way of keeping, and not breaking, or going back to. i want it to be serious, because it is... it's between me and God, right? isn't our relationship the most important one?

1. i will not masturbate

this is not an impossible promise by any stretch. i wonder what the weight of making it a promise will do though.

2. i will not watch porn
3. i will not get drunk
4. i will not touch a girl inappropriately

this is the hardest one. although i have never broken it, in the past month it has been the one i am most worried about falling in, and most tempting to me.

5. i will spend time with God daily

this one is not a committment to a certain amount of time, or that i will read or pray... but that i will take time each day, however long it is, to consciously spend time with Him and in His presence. i believe this is a doable promise as well. of course ideally, i'll be spending that time reading and praying too. i've been finding most ideals in my life are never reached though... it's ok to shoot for the moon when it comes to going after God, but if i'm still playing games in the gutter, maybe first i just need to get out... to get on a rooftop, even a sidewalk, before i dream about the moon.


it's funny to me, that i have failed miserably in several of these areas, and have reaped the consequences! i mean atleast some of the natural consequences... the shame... how it isolates you from other believers... even my physical sickness right now. and you know what? that one line i haven't crossed is so incredibly tempting to me still. i can't tell you how i would love to kiss a girl, how i have wondered.

but you know what? if I'm honest? what are we playing against here?
- her boyfriend
- how she so badly wants to be with her boyfriend, and only him
- the track record that every time we have hung out it has resulted in poor decisions
- she would probably stop being my friend!
- i... might get fired?
- what about God?!?! His word? what He has done? what He's said?


so where do we go?

i just came back from college group tonight, and it was profound what God was gracious to remind me... He's been pretty gracious...

Genesis 3 is about the fall right... the forbidden fruit that Eve looks at, here:
"when the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it... (3:3a)"

it's basically like 1 John 2:15-17 right?
"do not the love the world, or anything in the world. if anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. for everything in the world, the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life - comes not from the Father but from the world. the world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever."

she looks... its beautiful! it is... she's gazing. she's beholding. guess what, it is good for food... it pleases the eye -- and desirable for wisdom. all the 1john lusts. but what had God said? it wasn't like a grey area. it wasn't like... don't eat the seeds, you can eat the fruit --- no it was very clear. don't eat the fruit. He wasn't being mean, it was just the rule. if they eat, they die. and they chose to eat.

this passage twisted my heart tonight as i thought of the clear rules i KNOW He has already set forth. i know what God has said on the matter. or i know what i believe He has said. so i guess i have to not look at the immediate gratification, but i can consider the consequences too! like the consequences for my numerous other sins... like the consequences Adam and Eve experienced... how they lost the garden. the pain in childbirth. the thorns and thistles. how it drove them to hide from God. so many things upset, because of a wretched fruit.


i hope in the times i find myself longing for what is forbidden, that i will think on this story... that i will set my thoughts on the Creator who cries, "My people have forgotten me." wasn't He there first? don't each of them come and go, but He remains the constant? why is it so hard to be faithful to Him?


i want the ring to be a symbol of my love for Him... because i do want to love Him and to grow in this... i do want to obey, to have heart affections for Him, to stop falling. if i need to wall off that tree for a while, then i need to do it, and keep to my boundaries. when i start wandering in the woods, wondering what is behind the bricks i have labored so hard to construct, and i begin digging just to see the wonder of this tree that holds this fruit that lies behind the wall, i need to stop. i need to pause, and step back. what did she say? it's as if the whole OT is a big billboard that says, "REMEMBER"... remember Him... i have to remember Him and the ways He has shown His love to me, though i find it so hard to believe. i know that if i find it in Him, i don't need to find it anywhere else.


"If you seek Me, you will find Me, when you search for Me with all of your heart"
Jeremiah 29:13

lost & found

lost.
this word is packed with meaning isn't it.

1 her lost keys missing, mislaid, misplaced, vanished, disappeared, gonemissing, gone astray, forgotten, nowhere to be found; absent, not present, strayed; irretrievable, unrecoverable.2 I think we're lost off course, off track, disorientated, having lost one's bearings, going around in circles, adrift, at sea, astray.3 a lost opportunity missed, forfeited, neglected, wasted, squandered, gone by the boards; informal down the drain.4 lost traditions bygone, past, former, one-time, previous, old, olden,departed, vanished, forgotten, consigned to oblivion, extinct, dead,gone.5 lost species and habitats extinct, died out, defunct, vanished, gone;destroyed, wiped out, ruined, wrecked, exterminated, eradicated.6 a lost cause hopeless, beyond hope, futile, forlorn, failed, beyond remedy, beyond recovery.7 lost souls damned, fallen, irredeemable, irreclaimable, irretrievable,past hope, past praying for, condemned, cursed, doomed; literaryaccursed. antonym saved.8 lost in thought engrossed, absorbed, rapt, immersed, deep, intent,engaged, wrapped up.
described by powerful words: hopeless, missing, even damned!
lost |lôst; läst| |lɔst|past and past participle of lose .adjective1 unable to find one's way; not knowing one's whereabouts : Help! We're lost! | they got lost in the fog.• unable to be found : he turned up with my lost golf clubs.• (of a person) very confused or insecure or in great difficulties : she stood there clutching a drink, feeling completely lost | I'd be lost without her.2 denoting something that has been taken away or cannot be recovered: if only one could recapture one's lost youth!• (of time or an opportunity) not used advantageously; wasted : the decision meant a lost opportunity to create 200 jobs.• having perished or been destroyed : a memorial to the lost crewmen.3 (of a game or contest) in which a defeat has been sustained : the lost election of 1994.PHRASESall is not lost used to suggest that there is still some chance of success or recovery.be lost for words be so surprised, confused, or upset that one cannot think what to say.be lost on fail to influence or be noticed or appreciated by (someone) :the significance of his remarks was not lost on Scott.be lost to be no longer affected by or accessible to : once a vital member of the community, he is now lost to the world.get lost [often in imperative ] informal go away (used as an expression of anger or impatience) : Why don't you leave me alone? Go on, get lost!give someone up for lost stop expecting that a missing person will be found alive.make up for lost time do something faster or more often in order to compensate for not having done it quickly or often enough before.

it's a sad word isn't it.
i've been thinking about the last couple months... and i always find a resting place in this word, lost, that maybe that most accurately describes where i am. 
walking on eggshells in my friendships. blindly reaching around at different groups that might foster my growth in the Lord. you know you can't listen to 'God put a smile on your face' and be in the right state.walking around in the dark at 1am going crazy.meeting a lot of great strangers!buses, shuttles, planes in all directions.chance encounters.so much randomness in my life!

i've got one foot in the world, i know. i know because i've never wanted to act out this bad in my life. i've never felt it this strong, and i'm afraid i might just go there. surely i am capable, and would be too proud to consider myself incapable.
and the other foot is vaguely but ardently seeking God, in all the groups and books and people. but it's only half because one minute that fever is burning, and the next, i've fallen again. the enticement of the world, of forbidden fruit, doesn't lose its luster. one minute i am ready to champion the sanctity of marriage, how it must be one man for one woman, how all forms of homo shatter this beautiful and perfect picture - how it is such a gross distortion - one minute this is a weapon for me, when i think of those women's husbands or boyfriends, how i would never want to violate in any fashion the bounds meant for that sanctified relationship alone. but sometimes those lines become blurred? sometimes the grass on the other side is lusciously greener?
but like justin beiber reminds me: "the grass ain't always greener on the other side. it's green where you water it"
sometimes that beauty is too beautiful for me to behold without a desire to connect to it.dr. susan forward in her book obsessive love calls it "connection compulsion."
so i guess its redirecting the gaze. step back from beholding. Sam says, "trade." we think about what we are interested in. you can't just "change" your feelings or interests, but you CAN direct your thoughts by what you focus your attention on, what you choose to behold, what you choose to give attention to. this is why Bethany is just telling me each time to read the word.

and where is Jesus in all this? Joe taught me to ask this.  http://www.truthmagazine.com/archives/volume40/GOT040049.html

he received sinners didn't he. he ate with them! the sinners and publicans.you know what impressed me this morning to write the post. is he gave atleast 3 parables about his heart for the lost. what a precious thing, that this is an ok place to be, because God pursues people in their lost state. the lost coin. sweeping the house to find it. the lost sheep.
ok you know i've been thinking about circle paradigms and what happens when one single one in a group is pedestaled --- so i got 25 mini sheep from amazon... you know what i looove those sheep!! i was counting them while my niece was playing... i don't want to lost a single one. and those are amazon sheep. what about the sheep, the children that are his creations.... that perhaps he sketched and colored before speaking them into existence (as we see beautifully depicted in Croquis!!).

the 3rd parable is of the lost son. the prodigal son. that picture of the father, looking, longing for his child to return home. running out to meet the pig-stinking prodigal, showering him with kisses, proclaims a feast.
lost&found
powerful words.
isn't there a verse that says - He came to seek and save that which was lost.im hanging onto this one.would you find me Jesus, im looking for you.