today i got to go back on the forums!
it is one of the most heartwarming feelings ever! im so privileged and blessed to get to take any part of that community!
God, you are so kind to me!
im inspired to read the word, to be in community, to live openly and honestly, that whatever fear or struggle or worry or whatever possible thing can be laid open and bare before the Lord and he will take control of it and use it for his GOOD!
what an inspiration to be in the word!
so full.
heart so freaking full.
this is what heaven feels like. wholeness. fullness.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Monday, October 6, 2014
venting
I HATE FINANCE!!!!!!!!
talk about one of THE most impersonal subjects.
Yes, there is personal value to each of the categories.
Before you sell me on the 401K and its security for people,
tell me how numbers in the column attributes care for anyone
i don't care about the minuses and pluses
show me the well that was put in
show me the items that were bought
show me the labor that was done
i can apologize to the numbers if i have undervalued their purpose
but look then im creating something personal out of something
meant to be completely impersonal
so how am i supposed to know how many items bought at walmart were food or not?
how many times the food was for me or for a homeless guy? or for some lady from church?
how am i supposed to know if that gas was normal gas or i drove someone somewhere?
how am i supposed to know if the book was a gift or for me...
how can i remember if i bought the sushi meal for the group or if i just splurged that day
need to fix this.
%^@&*()_)(*&^%$#^&*(@)#*&$^&#(*&^()($&#@_)#*$&^&#)$(*&#*@(#*$&#@(*&^
talk about one of THE most impersonal subjects.
Yes, there is personal value to each of the categories.
Before you sell me on the 401K and its security for people,
tell me how numbers in the column attributes care for anyone
i don't care about the minuses and pluses
show me the well that was put in
show me the items that were bought
show me the labor that was done
i can apologize to the numbers if i have undervalued their purpose
but look then im creating something personal out of something
meant to be completely impersonal
so how am i supposed to know how many items bought at walmart were food or not?
how many times the food was for me or for a homeless guy? or for some lady from church?
how am i supposed to know if that gas was normal gas or i drove someone somewhere?
how am i supposed to know if the book was a gift or for me...
how can i remember if i bought the sushi meal for the group or if i just splurged that day
need to fix this.
%^@&*()_)(*&^%$#^&*(@)#*&$^&#(*&^()($&#@_)#*$&^&#)$(*&#*@(#*$&#@(*&^
Thursday, September 25, 2014
EMDR
today at EMDR, when she told me to bring my nurturing figure in, i didn't realize the nurturing figure would be joining the conversation.
i was sitting there (my 7th grade self), with shannon and the nurturing figure, and it took the focus off just me and what was wrong. there was another person involved. other opinions. other perspectives. other comments. it made a world of difference.
i started to cry as the theratapper was buzzing, as i was remembering shannon telling me to tell my parents. i remember the anxiety of what i was supposed to tell them, how i had the weekend to do it, how i was so scared.
i remember the nurturing figure looking at me comfortingly and telling me that she would go with me. that i needn't worry about it. i was overwhelmed with this gesture.
how much it means to me, when someone goes with me into an unknown.
to not go alone.
to go with one who is not afraid, or one who will go with you into the unknown.
i was overwhelmed with this kindness.
that she would walk with me in my fear up to my parents door,
and be there to advocate for me, to speak with me the words i didn't know what to say
truly "two are better than one."
truly we were made for each other, and not to be alone
this meant the world to me, that she would walk me to their door.
the same as everyone else who has been extremely meaningful to me.
adams driving me to the rifle range
lana driving me to bible study that night i was walking there on halloween
those ones who took me to the airport
ian who showed me on google maps how to find my unit
the nurturing figure who walks with me up the stair and around the corner to my parents door
down the dark hallway, takes my hand from hiding under the covers
this is what happened mom and dad
this lady at school, miss washburn, told me to tell you that i like girls.
i don't know what it means, and it scared me a lot. but i want to be honest, and im not trying to hide anything. but im terrified, and she told me i can't change. and that i have to tell you.
my nurturing figure stands beside me, strong
strong for me
strong
isn't that interesting.
i was sitting there (my 7th grade self), with shannon and the nurturing figure, and it took the focus off just me and what was wrong. there was another person involved. other opinions. other perspectives. other comments. it made a world of difference.
i started to cry as the theratapper was buzzing, as i was remembering shannon telling me to tell my parents. i remember the anxiety of what i was supposed to tell them, how i had the weekend to do it, how i was so scared.
i remember the nurturing figure looking at me comfortingly and telling me that she would go with me. that i needn't worry about it. i was overwhelmed with this gesture.
how much it means to me, when someone goes with me into an unknown.
to not go alone.
to go with one who is not afraid, or one who will go with you into the unknown.
i was overwhelmed with this kindness.
that she would walk with me in my fear up to my parents door,
and be there to advocate for me, to speak with me the words i didn't know what to say
truly "two are better than one."
truly we were made for each other, and not to be alone
this meant the world to me, that she would walk me to their door.
the same as everyone else who has been extremely meaningful to me.
adams driving me to the rifle range
lana driving me to bible study that night i was walking there on halloween
those ones who took me to the airport
ian who showed me on google maps how to find my unit
the nurturing figure who walks with me up the stair and around the corner to my parents door
down the dark hallway, takes my hand from hiding under the covers
this is what happened mom and dad
this lady at school, miss washburn, told me to tell you that i like girls.
i don't know what it means, and it scared me a lot. but i want to be honest, and im not trying to hide anything. but im terrified, and she told me i can't change. and that i have to tell you.
my nurturing figure stands beside me, strong
strong for me
strong
isn't that interesting.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
should i tell her?
i'd like to tell a friend about my struggle.
but is this the right thing to do?
is this beneficial?
is it helpful?
is it God honoring?
"is it God's will"?
God designed us for relationship right. We do need one another.
what do we need one another for?
to tell us the truth about ourselves, to confess sin to, to love, to forgive
i haven't told anyone at my unit that i like girls, and it is amazing how the whole demeanor of my work environment has changed in a single year.
however i am as isolated as ever... and there are several people i'm itching to tell.
i'm no sure if it's just an itch though... waiting for their emotional response back at me, or to get attention... to soak in their ounces of pity.... and it is generally so anti-climatic for them. it is not something that matters for them. but for me, it matters. it matters long past the initial time that i tell them. it's like im waiting to see if they're in this journey with me. if they're going to fight with me. if they're going to field any of those experiences with me. if it will matter at all to them also.
it's like that one saying ive heard reverbing: "to win the battle is not to care."
so do i tell them? it's almost like i've forgotten that part of me....
and i think of what D said - if i want to have a lasting friendship with said person, at some point they should know about those things. well i do desire that. but how do i know?
I don't know why i've always, always had this itch to tell people.
probably has a little something ( a lot) to do with how many people told me to shut up. to be quiet. to forget about it. that i made it up in my head. probably has to do with the contract. probably has to do with all of that.
probably explains why i miss i miss i miss those friends online, and i don't ever miss my family.
i guess i should answer the questions.
is it helpul to tell said person(s) that i like girls?
you know what is so funny about this whole thing, is that in the past year of counseling, i know exactly the people i have struggled with and "liked"... and it was amazing to me how the focus veered to discussed emotional stability in responses to events, and physiological responses, vice attraction at all. i wonder even if it is the shame of discussing it that in its uniqueness, has its own euphoric drive to be told...
i think it could be helpful to get those things off my chest, and as related things come up, in a safe enviroment to be more honest.
i do see the potential to be hurt, bc they are siding towards truth telling people, vice compassion pouring, and sometimes truth telling is a necessary sanity check...
the kind of compassion i long for with regards to the whole thing can't seem to be met in these people
i think of how it might draw my family together if i told them any truth to 2013
it doesn't bear any weight when i just tell them about my "gay roommate who woke up telling me about gay rights each morning."
if i tell them im SSA and caught between how to love her with the love of Christ and overwhelmed with how to interact. or if i mention that my gay spc tried to kiss me, and that i told the most wrong people. that i slept with the guy bc i felt like i was in love with my best friend, and i couldn't get her off my mind. what did i write in my phone that day. "it's not love, it's need."
i think it could take our friendship to another level. we've had several fights and resolved them, and i think it could make our friendship stronger. i'm not worried about being attracted to her, but if we were to fight again at work, im not sure how it might impact that. i might get more hurt than normal having told her.
but what's risk without this?
what if she goes to another unit, and never knows? what if i never have the opportunity again? what if this is just for now? don't i want this to last? the urgency then burns me.
it makes me think of the urgency with my Marines. how much time i have left. you don't know how much time you have left before anyone right next to you.
is it God honoring? i think if it doesn't upset the whole flow of everything... (like cause any emotional dependency etc) which... it wouldn't, because - we have jobs... we're already working towards our missions...
what doe that mean is it God honoring...
does it bring him honor, and praise?
honesty, yeah.
i think it could explain why i NEED to be in the word, and church, and community.
because i'm not complete without those... without Christ - the one who came to seek and save me when i was lost
it might not be helpful in several ways though.
i don't think she's a strong Christian
i don't think she believes it's wrong
i might have to have better defenses
but whats the point of hiding always? should i never stand up for what i believe in? it's been a long time... im not about to change my stance....
whats the other one? my desire?
i do want to tell her. i don't know if it's all selfish, or some subconscious part of me is trying to repeat the past and reconfront it again. it's almost like each time i tell someone, im coming back to that point in time, i have the same fear, it is the most intense fear
and also so anticlimactic! because it means nothing to the hearing party! i put so much weight on their shoulders in the value of their response. why do i so value their response? what am i looking for? don't i know God's response?
i already know the spectrum of responses.
but every now any then, those related things on my mind, i'd like to be able to tell instead of conceal so tactfully.
-my "online friends"
-going to texas (why the heck are you having your parents from alaska meet you in texas).
------ well if i told you, actually this is amazing amazing answer to prayer, but....
-why tbs was such a horrible year!!! all the times we still talk about it.
-funny things like lorinda landon. i so want to tell people the story of her telling me "becca, you should totally ask her out!" bc this is so funny, and so not what i anticipated. so the opposite of what i hoped she would encourage me in, and just funny. like, are you joking me? do you know what direction im going?
-mention why the counseling, or just explain so many why's.
then i think, there's grace. whether i tell her or not.
but then i don't know.
i find it to have the potential to be very rewarding to do this, not in a large dramatic way, but bring it up... in a healthy way? to have someone in person that i see on a regular basis that i can talk to. then i find the potential to take something from her very personally, as i already have in the past, and nights driving home crying. physiological responses from being confronted and overwhelmed with shame/criticism to the point of not being able to do anything else no matter how hard i try.
honesty encourages other people to be honest, so there's that.
what about the people i've told? liz and stacy? liz moved. and stacy... it means nothing. it has no impact whatsoever. it was like... ok, so what? you... desire women? haha, sure, if you want to put it that way stacy.
i guess the only real homo i even have to confess is that sometimes im still tempted to think of certain people romantically... but im not pursuing it. and then the shows i watch, finding certain women on the show to be totally idealized.
i cannot believe the night and day of this year and last year. COMPLETELY different. kid underneath the totem pole. this year, still a kid, but given a world of respect and responsibility.
im doing emdr with the therapist on the event from 7th grade finally tomorrow. im nervous that if i get tired it could impact my pistol score when i fire in the morning, but, i know i've been practicing this time.
cant believe how many from my S-1 have been to mental health.
what am i looking for? just the freedom to talk about it if it comes up.
who doesn't want a place where they express all their inadequacy?
probably that place isn't another human being, (definitely not work) but just Jesus. but he gives us people for that too right?
thats one thing i miss about the forums.
then i think of why. then i get upset at myself.
im mad at my arrogance at the thought of "leaving the forums"
every day im driving to and from work, in all those dead spaces, i think about them.
i know all the experiences i've had with them are romanticized
but there is still something warmly unique about the community which i have not found elsewhere
one day i wish i could belong to them
but is this the right thing to do?
is this beneficial?
is it helpful?
is it God honoring?
"is it God's will"?
God designed us for relationship right. We do need one another.
what do we need one another for?
to tell us the truth about ourselves, to confess sin to, to love, to forgive
i haven't told anyone at my unit that i like girls, and it is amazing how the whole demeanor of my work environment has changed in a single year.
however i am as isolated as ever... and there are several people i'm itching to tell.
i'm no sure if it's just an itch though... waiting for their emotional response back at me, or to get attention... to soak in their ounces of pity.... and it is generally so anti-climatic for them. it is not something that matters for them. but for me, it matters. it matters long past the initial time that i tell them. it's like im waiting to see if they're in this journey with me. if they're going to fight with me. if they're going to field any of those experiences with me. if it will matter at all to them also.
it's like that one saying ive heard reverbing: "to win the battle is not to care."
so do i tell them? it's almost like i've forgotten that part of me....
and i think of what D said - if i want to have a lasting friendship with said person, at some point they should know about those things. well i do desire that. but how do i know?
I don't know why i've always, always had this itch to tell people.
probably has a little something ( a lot) to do with how many people told me to shut up. to be quiet. to forget about it. that i made it up in my head. probably has to do with the contract. probably has to do with all of that.
probably explains why i miss i miss i miss those friends online, and i don't ever miss my family.
i guess i should answer the questions.
is it helpul to tell said person(s) that i like girls?
you know what is so funny about this whole thing, is that in the past year of counseling, i know exactly the people i have struggled with and "liked"... and it was amazing to me how the focus veered to discussed emotional stability in responses to events, and physiological responses, vice attraction at all. i wonder even if it is the shame of discussing it that in its uniqueness, has its own euphoric drive to be told...
i think it could be helpful to get those things off my chest, and as related things come up, in a safe enviroment to be more honest.
i do see the potential to be hurt, bc they are siding towards truth telling people, vice compassion pouring, and sometimes truth telling is a necessary sanity check...
the kind of compassion i long for with regards to the whole thing can't seem to be met in these people
i think of how it might draw my family together if i told them any truth to 2013
it doesn't bear any weight when i just tell them about my "gay roommate who woke up telling me about gay rights each morning."
if i tell them im SSA and caught between how to love her with the love of Christ and overwhelmed with how to interact. or if i mention that my gay spc tried to kiss me, and that i told the most wrong people. that i slept with the guy bc i felt like i was in love with my best friend, and i couldn't get her off my mind. what did i write in my phone that day. "it's not love, it's need."
i think it could take our friendship to another level. we've had several fights and resolved them, and i think it could make our friendship stronger. i'm not worried about being attracted to her, but if we were to fight again at work, im not sure how it might impact that. i might get more hurt than normal having told her.
but what's risk without this?
what if she goes to another unit, and never knows? what if i never have the opportunity again? what if this is just for now? don't i want this to last? the urgency then burns me.
it makes me think of the urgency with my Marines. how much time i have left. you don't know how much time you have left before anyone right next to you.
is it God honoring? i think if it doesn't upset the whole flow of everything... (like cause any emotional dependency etc) which... it wouldn't, because - we have jobs... we're already working towards our missions...
what doe that mean is it God honoring...
does it bring him honor, and praise?
honesty, yeah.
i think it could explain why i NEED to be in the word, and church, and community.
because i'm not complete without those... without Christ - the one who came to seek and save me when i was lost
it might not be helpful in several ways though.
i don't think she's a strong Christian
i don't think she believes it's wrong
i might have to have better defenses
but whats the point of hiding always? should i never stand up for what i believe in? it's been a long time... im not about to change my stance....
whats the other one? my desire?
i do want to tell her. i don't know if it's all selfish, or some subconscious part of me is trying to repeat the past and reconfront it again. it's almost like each time i tell someone, im coming back to that point in time, i have the same fear, it is the most intense fear
and also so anticlimactic! because it means nothing to the hearing party! i put so much weight on their shoulders in the value of their response. why do i so value their response? what am i looking for? don't i know God's response?
i already know the spectrum of responses.
but every now any then, those related things on my mind, i'd like to be able to tell instead of conceal so tactfully.
-my "online friends"
-going to texas (why the heck are you having your parents from alaska meet you in texas).
------ well if i told you, actually this is amazing amazing answer to prayer, but....
-why tbs was such a horrible year!!! all the times we still talk about it.
-funny things like lorinda landon. i so want to tell people the story of her telling me "becca, you should totally ask her out!" bc this is so funny, and so not what i anticipated. so the opposite of what i hoped she would encourage me in, and just funny. like, are you joking me? do you know what direction im going?
-mention why the counseling, or just explain so many why's.
then i think, there's grace. whether i tell her or not.
but then i don't know.
i find it to have the potential to be very rewarding to do this, not in a large dramatic way, but bring it up... in a healthy way? to have someone in person that i see on a regular basis that i can talk to. then i find the potential to take something from her very personally, as i already have in the past, and nights driving home crying. physiological responses from being confronted and overwhelmed with shame/criticism to the point of not being able to do anything else no matter how hard i try.
honesty encourages other people to be honest, so there's that.
what about the people i've told? liz and stacy? liz moved. and stacy... it means nothing. it has no impact whatsoever. it was like... ok, so what? you... desire women? haha, sure, if you want to put it that way stacy.
i guess the only real homo i even have to confess is that sometimes im still tempted to think of certain people romantically... but im not pursuing it. and then the shows i watch, finding certain women on the show to be totally idealized.
i cannot believe the night and day of this year and last year. COMPLETELY different. kid underneath the totem pole. this year, still a kid, but given a world of respect and responsibility.
im doing emdr with the therapist on the event from 7th grade finally tomorrow. im nervous that if i get tired it could impact my pistol score when i fire in the morning, but, i know i've been practicing this time.
cant believe how many from my S-1 have been to mental health.
what am i looking for? just the freedom to talk about it if it comes up.
who doesn't want a place where they express all their inadequacy?
probably that place isn't another human being, (definitely not work) but just Jesus. but he gives us people for that too right?
thats one thing i miss about the forums.
then i think of why. then i get upset at myself.
im mad at my arrogance at the thought of "leaving the forums"
every day im driving to and from work, in all those dead spaces, i think about them.
i know all the experiences i've had with them are romanticized
but there is still something warmly unique about the community which i have not found elsewhere
one day i wish i could belong to them
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
the problem of needs
question reverbing
what are our needs
what defines this
how can this be determined?
it is amazing how this question always comes back to me
do you ever see someone in only one setting
and put them in a different setting
and such a different perspective emerges?
this happened for me tonight
she was up on that stage
confident
welcoming
inviting others to participate
serving, walking around
and her family was there
comfortable
forward looking
at peace
she's thinking of leading a middle school group
causing me to question so many things
boundaries
how it is possible
in just a normal church setting
all those things we talk about
possible
i miss you forum land
what are our needs
what defines this
how can this be determined?
it is amazing how this question always comes back to me
do you ever see someone in only one setting
and put them in a different setting
and such a different perspective emerges?
this happened for me tonight
she was up on that stage
confident
welcoming
inviting others to participate
serving, walking around
and her family was there
comfortable
forward looking
at peace
she's thinking of leading a middle school group
causing me to question so many things
boundaries
how it is possible
in just a normal church setting
all those things we talk about
possible
i miss you forum land
Thursday, September 4, 2014
trauma
so think about that event or situation you haven't been able to escape from
the dead body in the room everyone keeps stumbling over
years and years and years
sitting
stinking
the dead body in the room everyone keeps stumbling over
years and years and years
sitting
stinking
Monday, August 25, 2014
pit of missing
it's been a while since I've written.
for a while there i was with my forum friends... now im on a hiatus. man i miss them.
sometimes i still hit that pit of missing.
its gone in the morning.
but when you feel it, it aches.
every night the sun goes down
sometimes along the sullen path i fall
down and down and down into
the endless pit of missing
it's dark inside and oh so long
like where alice fell
past things upside down, mixed up,
passing all the past, and falling
throbbing can you feel the ache
the ache of longing for what was
that moment in time you once had
so quickly slipped away
just to behold a face again
moments loved that have moved on
moved into that country new
a language i have not yet learned
i yearn to meet you once again
why have you left me friend
i'm prisoner to this aching miss
ever falling, ever lost
i walked along the road today
when suddenly i fell
i caught the road just by the edge
straining not to lose myself
i closed my eyes and shed some tears
which fell down deep below
i felt you pulling there beneath me
but how could i let go
let me march on in this moment
let me leave you in the pit
ache, now get your hands off of me
i'll cry for you another day
every night just as the sun is
sucked into the desperate earth
this ache calls to me crying, grasping
insatiable, this missing
hungry beast forlorn and sad
lonely in the earth below
i'll find a way to fill you up
rest a while, the sun is coming
for a while there i was with my forum friends... now im on a hiatus. man i miss them.
sometimes i still hit that pit of missing.
its gone in the morning.
but when you feel it, it aches.
every night the sun goes down
sometimes along the sullen path i fall
down and down and down into
the endless pit of missing
it's dark inside and oh so long
like where alice fell
past things upside down, mixed up,
passing all the past, and falling
throbbing can you feel the ache
the ache of longing for what was
that moment in time you once had
so quickly slipped away
just to behold a face again
moments loved that have moved on
moved into that country new
a language i have not yet learned
i yearn to meet you once again
why have you left me friend
i'm prisoner to this aching miss
ever falling, ever lost
i walked along the road today
when suddenly i fell
i caught the road just by the edge
straining not to lose myself
i closed my eyes and shed some tears
which fell down deep below
i felt you pulling there beneath me
but how could i let go
let me march on in this moment
let me leave you in the pit
ache, now get your hands off of me
i'll cry for you another day
every night just as the sun is
sucked into the desperate earth
this ache calls to me crying, grasping
insatiable, this missing
hungry beast forlorn and sad
lonely in the earth below
i'll find a way to fill you up
rest a while, the sun is coming
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