discipleship

 today, I visited Amy after a little while.

it's been a couple months since her cancer diagnosis, but thankfully, there is some better news, though it has been rocking my world.

i wrote about Struggle today. and cried a lot the past few days. 

Struggle has been with me a long time, but I've been ignoring her a lot.

I in fact, encouraged her just to engage in all the activities for a while.

That, of course, was not helpful.

I'm back. I'm back with Struggle. We're going to get somewhere. Make some headway.

After exams :-) 

Trust the Lord. Trust the way Jerry Bridges defined it. Trust and obey.

He's got you, kid.

He's got you, and can meet you like no one else. Let him meet you in that place.

And trust that He will meet you there, and provide what you need.

He's been faithful to, hasn't He?

Put it in His hands, what you cherish so much.

Give it to Him. and then follow! be a faithful disciple.

 foreign policy

communism 

nationalism

identity

ideology

take me to the moon festival

show me why you're not skeptical

graduate school

 well, I have not written on here in... ages!!

I'm encouraged by the younger me... one that had seen less death, and one that was so ready to find God.

I'm still out to find God. It doesn't seem that common of a thing these days.

Where do you find God?

You find Him in His Word... His stamp on every person and created thing.

But the created thing isn't what gets the praise... it's Him (Romans 1).

I'm presenting on comparative politics today... 

This political world is not one that acknowledges God.

Not one where people are comfortable talking about Him. 

But God is talking about them... He knows they're there. 

I'm burdened for these people who don't know Him. 

But maybe my focus should be less on them... and more on how I can know Him.

That's right, "Knowing God" by J. I. Packer. The college and career group at church is AWESOME!!

Hey... it's the last days in my 20's... 

I wanted to post something so, it's nice to be logged on right now.

I want to bring God great pleasure in my life. I want people to see Him in me. I want people to know Him. I want them to have eternity with Him.

Keep going after Him SallyB. He knows your story. He'll help you write it. Keep seeking Him and finding Him. Jeremiah 29:13. 

note to self

boy, it's been a while hasn't it.

how many lives have we lived up to this point?
how many selves have we assumed and lost?

this post is a note to self - reminder about what to do when we get lost

the reference point is God
it's not Jeremy dying on July 27, 2015 - God knew it was going to happen
He is not surprised
He is in control
He has never lost control
He knew it would happen

Why?

It is too large of a question for us.

He gave Jeremy the choice, and Jeremy chose that he didn't want to be here anymore.
He couldn't take it anymore


I relate a lot to Jeremy. how many times i have thought i don't want to be here anymore.
I can't take this anymore.
Wade through this stinking, green, mush swamp of confusion

But this i find encouraging
Somehow, there are divine appointments God puts along the path

like the Adjustment Bureau... the lines that cross that He made to

I plan my day and the happenings
He puts people in my path I did not expect

He allows things to happen i did not expect
Veronica
Bryna
Bryan
Karrie
Kirby

He let Anna Lisa and Lacy leave the group
He let me be in disagreement with D'Ann

I don't feel like I should meet with Dr. Malcolm. And I shouldn't be so concerned with her feelings.

Just bc she "won't tell me to just go be gay" - pursuing self-exploration, and saying she "won't tell me it is a sin"... well... like the observation Mark made... it's anti-biblical.

"judgement" she kept saying.

We should make the choices and follow peace... where God is leading
Nothing should get in the way of that, and no one.

I don't know if it was God leading me to leave Living Hope. I just know i needed time off and away, I couldn't handle the conflict anymore. I hate conflict.

Communicating with my parents.
Finding God.

Some needs will never change I guess.

but the point of this post is this encouragement:
there are divine appointments. Keep your eye out for who God puts in your path. these people are important, and seek Him on his will with each one. God is at work, no matter how often i have given up, or who around me has. Remember that He is the destination of this journey, and in this, find great hope my friend.

BACK!

today i got to go back on the forums!

it is one of the most heartwarming feelings ever! im so privileged and blessed to get to take any part of that community!

God, you are so kind to me!

im inspired to read the word, to be in community, to live openly and honestly, that whatever fear or struggle or worry or whatever possible thing can be laid open and bare before the Lord and he will take control of it and use it for his GOOD!

what an inspiration to be in the word!

so full.

heart so freaking full.

this is what heaven feels like. wholeness. fullness.

venting

I HATE FINANCE!!!!!!!!

talk about one of THE most impersonal subjects.
Yes, there is personal value to each of the categories.
Before you sell me on the 401K and its security for people,
tell me how numbers in the column attributes care for anyone

i don't care about the minuses and pluses
show me the well that was put in
show me the items that were bought
show me the labor that was done

i can apologize to the numbers if i have undervalued their purpose
but look then im creating something personal out of something
meant to be completely impersonal

so how am i supposed to know how many items bought at walmart were food or not?
how many times the food was for me or for a homeless guy? or for some lady from church?
how am i supposed to know if that gas was normal gas or i drove someone somewhere?
how am i supposed to know if the book was a gift or for me...

how can i remember if i bought the sushi meal for the group or if i just splurged that day

need to fix this.

%^@&*()_)(*&^%$#^&*(@)#*&$^&#(*&^()($&#@_)#*$&^&#)$(*&#*@(#*$&#@(*&^

EMDR

today at EMDR, when she told me to bring my nurturing figure in, i didn't realize the nurturing figure would be joining the conversation.

i was sitting there (my 7th grade self), with shannon and the nurturing figure, and it took the focus off just me and what was wrong. there was another person involved. other opinions. other perspectives. other comments. it made a world of difference.

i started to cry as the theratapper was buzzing, as i was remembering shannon telling me to tell my parents. i remember the anxiety of what i was supposed to tell them, how i had the weekend to do it, how i was so scared.

i remember the nurturing figure looking at me comfortingly and telling me that she would go with me. that i needn't worry about it. i was overwhelmed with this gesture.


how much it means to me, when someone goes with me into an unknown.
to not go alone.
to go with one who is not afraid, or one who will go with you into the unknown.
i was overwhelmed with this kindness.
that she would walk with me in my fear up to my parents door,
and be there to advocate for me, to speak with me the words i didn't know what to say

truly "two are better than one."
truly we were made for each other, and not to be alone

this meant the world to me, that she would walk me to their door.
the same as everyone else who has been extremely meaningful to me.

adams driving me to the rifle range
lana driving me to bible study that night i was walking there on halloween
those ones who took me to the airport
ian who showed me on google maps how to find my unit

the nurturing figure who walks with me up the stair and around the corner to my parents door
down the dark hallway, takes my hand from hiding under the covers

this is what happened mom and dad
this lady at school, miss washburn, told me to tell you that i like girls.
i don't know what it means, and it scared me a lot. but i want to be honest, and im not trying to hide anything. but im terrified, and she told me i can't change. and that i have to tell you.

my nurturing figure stands beside me, strong

strong for me

strong

isn't that interesting.