lost & found

lost.
this word is packed with meaning isn't it.

1 her lost keys missing, mislaid, misplaced, vanished, disappeared, gonemissing, gone astray, forgotten, nowhere to be found; absent, not present, strayed; irretrievable, unrecoverable.2 I think we're lost off course, off track, disorientated, having lost one's bearings, going around in circles, adrift, at sea, astray.3 a lost opportunity missed, forfeited, neglected, wasted, squandered, gone by the boards; informal down the drain.4 lost traditions bygone, past, former, one-time, previous, old, olden,departed, vanished, forgotten, consigned to oblivion, extinct, dead,gone.5 lost species and habitats extinct, died out, defunct, vanished, gone;destroyed, wiped out, ruined, wrecked, exterminated, eradicated.6 a lost cause hopeless, beyond hope, futile, forlorn, failed, beyond remedy, beyond recovery.7 lost souls damned, fallen, irredeemable, irreclaimable, irretrievable,past hope, past praying for, condemned, cursed, doomed; literaryaccursed. antonym saved.8 lost in thought engrossed, absorbed, rapt, immersed, deep, intent,engaged, wrapped up.
described by powerful words: hopeless, missing, even damned!
lost |lôst; läst| |lɔst|past and past participle of lose .adjective1 unable to find one's way; not knowing one's whereabouts : Help! We're lost! | they got lost in the fog.• unable to be found : he turned up with my lost golf clubs.• (of a person) very confused or insecure or in great difficulties : she stood there clutching a drink, feeling completely lost | I'd be lost without her.2 denoting something that has been taken away or cannot be recovered: if only one could recapture one's lost youth!• (of time or an opportunity) not used advantageously; wasted : the decision meant a lost opportunity to create 200 jobs.• having perished or been destroyed : a memorial to the lost crewmen.3 (of a game or contest) in which a defeat has been sustained : the lost election of 1994.PHRASESall is not lost used to suggest that there is still some chance of success or recovery.be lost for words be so surprised, confused, or upset that one cannot think what to say.be lost on fail to influence or be noticed or appreciated by (someone) :the significance of his remarks was not lost on Scott.be lost to be no longer affected by or accessible to : once a vital member of the community, he is now lost to the world.get lost [often in imperative ] informal go away (used as an expression of anger or impatience) : Why don't you leave me alone? Go on, get lost!give someone up for lost stop expecting that a missing person will be found alive.make up for lost time do something faster or more often in order to compensate for not having done it quickly or often enough before.

it's a sad word isn't it.
i've been thinking about the last couple months... and i always find a resting place in this word, lost, that maybe that most accurately describes where i am. 
walking on eggshells in my friendships. blindly reaching around at different groups that might foster my growth in the Lord. you know you can't listen to 'God put a smile on your face' and be in the right state.walking around in the dark at 1am going crazy.meeting a lot of great strangers!buses, shuttles, planes in all directions.chance encounters.so much randomness in my life!

i've got one foot in the world, i know. i know because i've never wanted to act out this bad in my life. i've never felt it this strong, and i'm afraid i might just go there. surely i am capable, and would be too proud to consider myself incapable.
and the other foot is vaguely but ardently seeking God, in all the groups and books and people. but it's only half because one minute that fever is burning, and the next, i've fallen again. the enticement of the world, of forbidden fruit, doesn't lose its luster. one minute i am ready to champion the sanctity of marriage, how it must be one man for one woman, how all forms of homo shatter this beautiful and perfect picture - how it is such a gross distortion - one minute this is a weapon for me, when i think of those women's husbands or boyfriends, how i would never want to violate in any fashion the bounds meant for that sanctified relationship alone. but sometimes those lines become blurred? sometimes the grass on the other side is lusciously greener?
but like justin beiber reminds me: "the grass ain't always greener on the other side. it's green where you water it"
sometimes that beauty is too beautiful for me to behold without a desire to connect to it.dr. susan forward in her book obsessive love calls it "connection compulsion."
so i guess its redirecting the gaze. step back from beholding. Sam says, "trade." we think about what we are interested in. you can't just "change" your feelings or interests, but you CAN direct your thoughts by what you focus your attention on, what you choose to behold, what you choose to give attention to. this is why Bethany is just telling me each time to read the word.

and where is Jesus in all this? Joe taught me to ask this.  http://www.truthmagazine.com/archives/volume40/GOT040049.html

he received sinners didn't he. he ate with them! the sinners and publicans.you know what impressed me this morning to write the post. is he gave atleast 3 parables about his heart for the lost. what a precious thing, that this is an ok place to be, because God pursues people in their lost state. the lost coin. sweeping the house to find it. the lost sheep.
ok you know i've been thinking about circle paradigms and what happens when one single one in a group is pedestaled --- so i got 25 mini sheep from amazon... you know what i looove those sheep!! i was counting them while my niece was playing... i don't want to lost a single one. and those are amazon sheep. what about the sheep, the children that are his creations.... that perhaps he sketched and colored before speaking them into existence (as we see beautifully depicted in Croquis!!).

the 3rd parable is of the lost son. the prodigal son. that picture of the father, looking, longing for his child to return home. running out to meet the pig-stinking prodigal, showering him with kisses, proclaims a feast.
lost&found
powerful words.
isn't there a verse that says - He came to seek and save that which was lost.im hanging onto this one.would you find me Jesus, im looking for you.